I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
