our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
