update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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