Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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