I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
