Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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