i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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