If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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