Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
