i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
