I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Your penis caused this!
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