Someone shit on the floor
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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