I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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