There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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