Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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