if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
