Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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