Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
