I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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