if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
