Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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