The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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