I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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