The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
