she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
