Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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