I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
