Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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