do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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