i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
