Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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