What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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