In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
