Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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