What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
