if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
