girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
