found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
