Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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