she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so let's talk penis.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
