The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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