Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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