So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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