Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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