When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
