I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
