just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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