Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
