i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
