Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
