the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
