I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
