Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
