he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
