she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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