Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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