I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
