yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
