I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
