i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
