I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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