Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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