Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
