the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
