my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
