how can u be prego again
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
