Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Randomize
