There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
