he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm always down for nudity.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
