Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I deserve this hangover.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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