i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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