I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
