This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
